The first half of my life I was anti-vaccines.
My father decided for our family that he would not vaccinate his kids. He was an educated and caring man, he was biochemist and worked with vaccine production himself.
He had his reasons.
He passed away from Dengue fever when I was 5 years old (36 years ago to this day). So, I never had a chance to talk to him about his reasons. All I had was his choice for me, that affected me, physically and ideologically, even after his death.
His death affected me. In the obvious ways, of course, but also in ways that have made me the curious and disease obsessed adult that I am. I find viruses, parasites, bacteria, cell mutations, genetic diseases, both fascinating and terrifying. I can't look away, I want to know everything. I regularly listen to several science/disease podcasts, read books and science journals, ask endless and annoying questions to any medical professional that will give me a moment. In addition I am pretty up on conspiracy theories, partially due to my belief as a young child that Dengue was a man made disease that was released by the US government in some sort of biological warfare in central and south America. I don't know where I heard this at the young age of 7 or 8. But, it stuck.
I needed to blame someone, something, anything but the chaos of loss. It was scarier not to have some scary government villain to blame.
I also learned of the forced sterilization of Indigenous communities, about the medical experimentation done on African Americans in Tuskegee and on Jewish people in the holocaust. I had a healthy fear of "they" and did not want to be subject to "their" evil.
And, don't get me wrong, I know that there are evil government powers. But, now I also know that all diseases are studied in labs, otherwise we would never know how they work and how to treat or cure them. That a lab with diseased mosquitos is not inherently evil. Two things can exist at once.
I remained a staunch believer that vaccines were not necessary and that there was no way that my father could be wrong. If I questioned his beliefs, then I would be disrespecting his memory. I didn't really have a reason beyond his reasoning, and I didn't really know what his reasoning was.
We spent much of my childhood school years using religious exemption as the reason we were not vaccinated. We are not religious. But I held onto my "right" not to be vaccinated with a religious fervor that could not be challenged.
My mom was younger than my dad, she was not college educated, she was brought up in a time when a women's opinion was secondary to any man's. She went with his strong and educated opinion regarding vaccines. We often used natural remedies before going to the doctor, which often worked. Except when they didn't, then we went to get those antibiotics, or pain killers, or x-rays, etc.. She did her best (which was better than most) and is the rock of our family. She hardly had time to worry about some antiquated diseases affecting her healthy kids, when trying to make sure we had resources to survive.
She and my dad decided to live a life outside of the norm, far in the jungles of Mexico. Then he died. Everything changed, and we were now part of the public school system, getting government assistance, no longer just in our own little family, but more actively part of a community.
Health is public. We do not exist in a vacuum. This is what I did not understand until I started working at health center at 19 yrs old. When I was asked about my vaccine status and I proudly said "not a one!". This got a side-eye response that I was used to. I think "of course this nurse is judging me, she is so mainstream, she doesn't know the real truth", never mind her having given her whole self to taking care of this community for the last 20 years. Then I talk to my trusted doctor who was a naturopathic physicians assistant, and a colleague at this health center. Thinking "of course he'll understand". He was less side-eye-ee but still not impressed, instead he said "have you considered that you could be a carrier of a disease and put one of these patients a risk?" in other words, I could kill a new born, an elder, an immunocompromised member of our community. People I was charged with caring for.
No, I had NEVER considered that. It was always about me, and my safety and my beliefs. The privilege of being healthy and not considering my community washed over me in a wave of shame. It seemed so obvious, but literally no one had ever framed it that way for me.
He gave me a couple resources and ideas of articles to read. He understood that I was curious and would want to understand how vaccines work and how they have affected our population over the years. We then had a conversation about which vaccines I should have to keep our patients safe.
After some time, reading and more conversations I decided it was the right thing to do. I got all the recommended vaccines.
I had gone against the wishes of my father. And, instead of feeling like he would be disappointed, I felt he would be proud. I can imagine he would have wanted me to be someone that has my own curiosity and comes to my own educated conclusions. I like to believe that he would be happy I cared about others enough to challenge my own strict belief.
Some important people in my life are not vaccinated for Covid-19. It has been difficult at times. I had hoped they would see that it was safe and that it could stop further mutations into dominant variants. I argue science and public health with them. I also know they care about people, they do not deny this virus is deadly, they take precautions not to spread it to others. That has to be enough for me. I used to be one of them, probably even more adamantly opposed than they are.
Again, two things can exist at once. You can be hesitant about vaccines and also know that this virus can be deadly or cause long-term illness.
My father had his reasons and I have mine. I wish I could ask him what his were. If he were alive we could have a discussion about our difference of opinion. He might try to convince me, and I him. At the end of the day I'd like to think that we would still respect each other's reasons. Because, two things can exist at once.
